The doorbell rings as you stand on the front porch, waiting for your family to come open the door. You are greeted by a warm hug and a kind smile, as you awkwardly hold the casserole in your hands that you prepared for the annual Christmas get together that happens every year with family, except this year, something feels different.
You begin scanning the room to see all of your usual family members, that is, all but one. Suddenly your heart sinks as your eyes meet the empty chair at the dinner table.
For so many of us, the holidays are bittersweet. The holidays are a time of celebration and joy for some, but for others they bring up memories of loved ones that are no longer able to sit at the dinner table and share in the joy and laughter of the season.
As you prepare for this holiday season and enter this bittersweet time, I wanted to provide you with a few tips for coping with grief during the holidays! Spending the holidays without a loved one, especially your first holiday without them, can be so difficult, but I hope the tips below can bring you a sense of comfort.
I wish you all peace and comfort during this time, as I know it is not always easy. I am always here as a listening ear if you ever need someone.
1. Expect Grief Triggers
We all know the feeling of driving in our car one day, and suddenly that one song comes on, and you are taken back to a moment in time with someone that is no longer here with us. The song brings you back to when your loved one was still alive. Suddenly, a rush of emotions fill your soul, and you are overcome with tears.
During the Holidays, it seems as though grief triggers are all around us. Maybe it is because the holidays were your loved one’s favorite time of year, or maybe it is because of the traditions they no longer get to partake in with you. Whatever brings up these grief triggers, know that they will probably happen and that it is okay to feel whatever emotions may arise.
2. Take time for yourself
Most of the time, during the holidays, we try to push ourselves past the limit of what our comfort level is. We think that just because it is the holiday season, everyone is expecting for us to come and join them during all of the holiday festivities. I am here to tell you to give yourself grace! Do what you feel comfortable doing. There might be a day where you feel overcome with grief, and instead of going to look at Christmas lights, like you usually did in the past, it is okay to skip it and give yourself time to process all of your emotions arising during this time of year.
3. Get outdoors
If you are originally from the Midwest, like me, getting outdoors might be frigid this time of year, but some fresh air can do you some good! Whenever I need to clear my head, I will throw on my headphones and listen to some of my favorite songs, while taking a walk with my dogs. Not only does fresh air get you outside of your house, but it also brings about moments of joy, as you are able to be reminded of all of the beauty that is sitting right outside your doorstep.
4. Let yourself feel in order to heal
I find myself at times trying to conceal my feelings when that tiny little knot forms in the back of my throat right before I am about to cry. I suddenly feel embarrassed for wanting to cry, when in reality, it is completely normal and okay to feel whatever emotions you are feeling. By not allowing yourself to feel whatever emotions arise, you are in fact, prolonging your healing process. Understanding how to cope with all of these new emotions arising will in turn help aid you in your healing process for your future self! As it was stated before, grief triggers will arise, so allow yourself to feel whatever emotions those might bring about!
5. Do something in honor of your loved one
Losing a loved one and experiencing your first holiday without them can bring up so many emotions and feelings. It may be hard to fully comprehend that they are no longer here to experience life with you. One thing that you can do to help cope during the holidays is to do something in honor of your loved one.
This could include leaving an empty seat at the table, lighting a candle in their honor, planting their favorite tree in your backyard, hanging an ornament on your Christmas tree of one of their favorite things or adding a memory stocking to the fireplace. Sometimes doing something to honor them can give you the sense that a piece of them is still there celebrating the holidays right alongside you.
6. Create a new tradition in memory of your loved one
Traditions seem to be a popular thing during the holiday season. For some, it might be that you go look at Christmas lights all together as a family, or for others, maybe it is that you decorate the house right after Thanksgiving for Christmas. When a loved one dies, suddenly those traditions feel like they are tied to sadness and heartache. I want to reassure you that your loved one would not want you to stop living your life and stop doing the traditions that you once all did together simply because they are no longer there to experience it with you. But it also can be a time to start a new tradition in memory of them.
Maybe that tradition involves making a donation to your loved one’s favorite charity in honor of them. Or maybe it involves including one of your loved one’s favorite dishes in your holiday meal. Do whatever feels most comfortable to you and helps to bring you back a sense of yourself.
7. Be open to sharing how you feel with others around you
I know during this time, you might feel like you do not want to burden others with how you are feeling, but make sure to let other people around you know what you DO and DON’T wish to participate in this year for the holidays. And when you do choose to do something with loved ones, it is okay to share if that time is hard on you. No one expects you to be 100%, 100% of the time! Everyone has their moments where their emotions overcome them, and that is okay. It is completely okay to simply not be okay.
8. Take it slow
As I said before, give yourself grace during this time. Allow yourself to take it slow, and do not feel like you have to push yourself into doing anything that you do not feel ready for. Whatever grieving you are experiencing may be different from how others experience grief. No one is on the same path for grieving, and that is okay! Grief is not a race to be won, but simply a battle that we all are facing together. Just remember, you are not alone in this fight, and there are others out there willing to help you get through these difficult times.
9. Remember, it is okay to be happy!
Lastly, it is okay to feel happy around the holidays! So many times, we feel guilty for feeling any sort of happiness since our loved one is no longer here to experience it all. You should never allow yourself to feel guilty because you get to keep on living life while your loved one has passed on. Your loved one would want you to continue being happy! And as you give yourself grace, and as time passes, day by day, I hope that little glimpses of your happiness do start to shine through again, because you do deserve happiness and to feel the many joys of life!
As this holiday season draws closer, I hope these tips can help you prepare your heart to embrace grief and allow for yourself to feel whatever emotions may come. The empty seat at the table this year may bring up certain feelings, but I hope you are comforted and presented with grace to allow yourself to cope in whatever way you need to cope this holiday season!
With love,
Britt
